Today in News: Character Building Under Fire
NEW YORK — Amid reports about the unreliability of long-held parental wisdom (flossing and bed making have been debunked), a children's rights organization is pressing the federal government to explore further claims—most notably, activities related to the building of character.
Aurelia Donaldson and Martin Cohen, students at The Dalton School on Manhattan's Upper East Side, have founded "Breaking Injustice Everywhere, Beginning with Erroneous Rationalizations" (BIEBER) to explore these issues and more.
"Given recent revelations of parental deception and overreach, we felt it was time to shed light on these supposed virtues," said Ms. Donaldson. "As such, we have filed a Freedom of Information Act request seeking peer-reviewed, scientific evidence linking character building with doing chores, consuming all of one's vegetables, and having to walk to school in the snow instead of getting a ride in my dad's car when it's on the way to his office anyway."
While waiting for the findings, BIEBER has filed a request for injunction with the New York Supreme Court prohibiting these activities. Although the authority of the court is limited to the state, the group trusts it will serve as a model for downtrodden minors across the nation.
"We stand on the precipice of a brave new world for children everywhere," exclaimed Mr. Cohen. "And homework can suck a dick, while we're at it."
No singular parents' group exists, so it could not be reached for comment.